she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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