I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
