I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize