no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
