I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
