I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
