Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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