I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
