I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
