I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
