its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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