remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
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