so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
