there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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