Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Floor bacon is actually really good
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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