Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Let's paint friendship bongs
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
