I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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