Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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