break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
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