If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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