Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
