im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
