I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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