i just wanna soil my oats bro
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
