when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize