all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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