I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
