i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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