I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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