by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
