Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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