dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
