I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Help. Why am I so naked?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
