You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
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