I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
