y did u give ur computer a hand job?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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