sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
So much Jack, so little girl.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
