He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
