I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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