I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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