Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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