I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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