He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
You did what with his pubic hair?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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