When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I look excited, but its just a facade.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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