I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
