Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
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