At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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