I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
