i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
