Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
