I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
i out mim tonsoeep
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