I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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