guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
please come you make the beer taste better
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
