Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
they need to just BURY HIM!
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
