Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
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