Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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