I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
