At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I can text with my tongue
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
