I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize