I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
