While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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